i reflected on just the tip of my pyramid of problems. they may not seem important to anybody else, but I struggle every day, awake or asleep, with thoughts of my troubles, my loneliness, my past mistakes, constantly replaying conversations and events that has transpired in my life. i think about my uncontrollable anger and rage. being struck, feeling physical pain, feeling threatened anyway and all i see is RED....an out of body experience where i see myself lose control, yet i cant refrain from reacting so explosively. the thought of death and suicide are constantly going through my head. i ponder on the different ways i can kill myself. i am very conscious of what and how it may affect the people i am close to and family, but coming up on 35, i dont have a meaningful, productive career, nor do i find any joy in anything. i hid behind dulled senses for 10 years, habitually smoking marijuana every day, all day...even when i was working steadily. i am emotional and sensitive....cry when i talk about something difficult or painful, unable to hold my tears over thoughts of icons that died, that i never met...yet made an impact in my life...in life and with their deaths. my heroes like Robin williams, the best DAD on screen, were so depressed and unhappy in their amazing lives that they freed themselves from the material plane. if someone as accomplished and loved as RW, what hope is there for me to find my happiness and peace? what is the point for me to continue?