Loss, waiting, wondering.
This week has been a long stressful one. We finally lost my grandfather last night. After a heart surgery he was catapulted into dementia. So I’m sad, but content to see him go. My grandfather died in March. His body died last night. I hope that makes sense and doesn’t sound callous.
I auditioned for another play. There is almost no chance I’ll get this role, but that doesn’t keep me from wanting it so bad. The character I tried out for simply gives a monologue, but it is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever read! I doubt I’ll get it based on age.
Yet again I’m unsure about horseback riding. If you can’t tell, I deal with a lot of anxiety. Well as much as I love my instructor, she can be snarky in all the wrong ways. Like today. I ran out to the ring to ask which saddle she wanted me in. (I was on a bigger horse than usual and wanted to double check). Well after I got my answer I stood there a minute because my back was in pain, I assume from work, and how I was standing against the gate was stretching it out nicely. She looked at me and in a snarky, snappy tone just said: “Bye!” I really still don’t understand why and honestly I think it was a little uncalled for. I will give her that they have had summer camps the last two weeks, but I’m not sure that excuses snapping at an (I think) innocent student. It’s things like this. She doesn’t usually snap, but she is very snarky when you make a mistake. I know this works well for some students, but I’m already unreasonably hard on myself. Adding to that just heightens my anxiety levels and causes me to freak out on horseback. I don’t know what to do. There’s one barn in the area I’ll visit. Just to see if I can find someone with a slightly softer approach.