Forgiveness as fundamental
Listening to Miss Ally Rose describe forgiveness was eye-opening. I have always been expected to forgive without it being offered to me in return. This leaves me too ready to offer forgiveness, which then leaves my forgiveness incomplete or insincere. My father says he refuses to apologize to me as a consequence of my broken promises and repeated apologies. An apology is basically a promise to avoid repeating a problem behavior and he says I always apologize over and over for the same issue as if I never meant it in the first place. He is correct. If only one member of a relationship can admit fault, then that person will be expected to forgive without it ever being offered in return. This is a tactic of narcissists which naturally results in the aware person losing touch with the purpose of an apology and also forgiveness. It leaves me apologizing to those who will simply use my apology to make me accept guilt. Another thing is how forgiving often leads to forgetting for me. I have learned that is a terrible mistake. I will always remember their failings only so as to avoid being surprised, and the emotional reaction that follows, after forgiving another. To anybody reading this, I am far into my recovery from narcissistic abuse. I have avoided journalling throughout my process. I regret that mistake. Go slowly. Document your growth. Return to it so as to finish it. Then, use what you now know so well to help others. That's my plan anyway!