How to feel?
The scary thing is I’ve been told my entire life, by my own family, that the way I feel whether it’d be emotionally, religiously, physically, etc...it was not ok to feel things that didn’t follow the family’s unified ideology, one being that everyone needed to suck it up through everything and another was that the house was a christian household and that you could not live there otherwise. If I appeared to go against the family code, I’d be called an ungrateful bitch, a pussy, an attention seeker, fake crier, a liar, etc...basically not regarding my feelings and opinions as valid emotions: for example, I remember one night when I was out to dinner with my mother. This was a time when my husband was so stressed at work that it was really affecting his health and his home life, which was affecting me. Also my mother had been planning a wedding ceremony for us since we couldn’t have one in the beginning due to her kicking me out of her house which then I could only move in with him if we were married (military thing and another story for another time). Anyway, my mother was explaining plans to a mutual friend of ours, was kinda being pushy about plans and I tried to give a suggestion, not a demand or another option, a suggestion. She brushed it off with a snarky comment and at that point I just broke down, I had snapped and I couldn’t stop crying. Her response was to turn to the friend, while I was sobbing, and say “oh, she’s fake crying. Can’t you tell”? I was so embarrassed after that because she made me out to be a liar. It’s sounds like a horrible boyfriend that I should’ve broken up with years ago but it seems to be much harder when it’s people who are suppose to be family. However, I have finally cut them out of my life for good and I’m moving forward, with my Husband’s help. My reason for sharing this story is that I don’t know what is ok or how to say “it’s ok to feel this way” when I’m sad or stressed. But hopeful there will be a day I don’t cry when it’s said