I’m the problem
I’ve been learning that, I am the problem. I don’t have a “chemical imbalance” or anything wrong with me, I am what’s wrong. I am flawed. It’s my thoughts, my perception that shape my feelings, moods and behaviors. I am to blame, not what is going on around me. I was told not to swim in the problem, I don’t know how to not swim in the problem, when I am the problem. These meditations are just now starting to make me aware of how much chaos I have caused in my own life and in the lives of everyone around me. It may get better, but right now, I feel horrible. My thinking is what causes all of my suffering. I wish someone could tell me how to think about this differently, but I am defective. I need to fix that, but it seems to be so permanently a part of me. I am so discouraged. I try to follow along and reframe my thoughts, and believe they are not me, but so far I don’t.