Tuesday July 6 2021 6:35am
I am sitting in the quiet living room days before moving. My parents come today to move Todd to Loon Lake. This is going to be a busy and stressful day with lots of breakdowns. Todd’s suicide attempt on Wednesday, June 30, really threw me for a loop. I’ve been focused on him in the hospital for 2 days. Then home with me and I’m providing counselling support and still trying to get things done. I’m so much happier having him home though. The hospital was not where he needed to be, he wasn’t receiving adequate psychological and psychiatric treatment. He can receive better support with me. That also takes its toll. Being so tuned in to another person to notice when you have to co-regulate or intervene in some way while trying to pack up my life and move myself to Vancouver Island (I just like saying it) and now Todd to Loon Lake. I am so grateful to my parents for stopping everything and coming to help. I’m far more overwhelmed than I originally thought but I’m functional, I think. My house has reached a level of dirty I’m ashamed of. I need to do better for my girls. They don’t deserve this version of me. I don’t deserve this version of me. This move is going to be all about personal growth. I feel like the move to Meadow was all about professional growth so that I can get to a level of sustainable ability that I can improve at a slower rate now than the last 7 years, once I’m over the shock and learning curve. So that I can focus on myself and growing and healing and become who aligns with the truest me. I know it’s going to be easy to not move from the couch but I must do one physical activity for at least 30 minutes every single day. I need to challenge my all or nothing beliefs and perfectionist tendencies. If I can’t do it perfect, I can’t do it at all. Also my feelings if overwhelm. I’m far more overwhelmed than I thought but healthy people don’t live in hidden hoards. I feel like I’m trying to climb up from the darkness into the light but people are still clinging to parts of me that are just waiting to fall from me that no longer are a part of my future. Allowing me to break free and step into myself. My expectations for this move are not extrinsic in nature like they were for Meadow. They are intrinsic and really I could do them anywhere. But I feel Vancouver Island is in line with how I feel deep down inside and the things that I want to do and focus on in my life.