A Better Way To Practice Gratitude

A Better Way To Practice Gratitude

I suffer from anxiety & depression. They say it’s a chemical imbalance in my brain. I think it’s from a family that couldn’t show love & a 41 year marriage to a mentally & verbally abusive husband. I am on medication & see a therapist who is wonderful. I have made great strides & practice gratitude every day. I’m grateful my God has brought me to a beautiful place to live, given me 2 beautiful dogs to love, friends who are more family than my own, I am able to volunteer at many different places giving me joy to see I’m helping others. I am not jealous of what others have because I have God’s guidance. I am grateful for every day God gives me. Yes, I fall back into the darkness every so often but with all the help & belief I now have I am able o crawl back up faster than before. Always give thanks to God for what you have & where he’ll lead you.💕

Guilt

I learned that my comparing was exactly as you said…guilting. Thankyou for opening my eyes to this. I treasure gratitude with an open heart for what I have and for who I am. 💝

Wow

I’ve been listening for over 80 days and this is the 1st comment I’ve made on a session. OMG!!! THIS. IS. EVERYTHING!! Eye Opening!

Helpful Reminder

I started my gratitude journey 4 years ago. I wanted to feel connected to the beauty of my life, for all things good and challenging. I’ve been implementing gratitude from this perspective ever since, but to hear it be acknowledged was very powerful and just reminded me that we can be grateful without guilt.

Gratitude contributes to peace

I’ve learned that being grateful isn’t something comes naturally per se. Our human instinct is to want more, it seems hardwired into us, or at least most people. Me included. Sometimes “more” isn’t always better. When we experience suffering it does remind us to be grateful for what we have, or have had in the past. “You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone” as the saying goes

Comparisons

While not specifically focused on feeling grateful for what I have that others do not, I do find myself constantly using other peoples success or failures as a yardstick for my own. I will try to actively compare my current self to my former self, and to refrain for comparing myself to others. This may be hard, but I will acknowledge this if/when it does happen.

differnt approach to gratitude

i absolutely loved this little practice. seeing gratitude as not an obligation or a chore and seeing it as something that comes from within is life changing ❤️

New perspective

I really enjoyed what you had to say. Too often my gratitude has come from a place of ‘well I don’t have it as bad as others’ and it never felt good. Your advice has changed how my attitude of gratitude will be. Thank you. It feels more honest to me ♥️

Great reframing

Thank you for this short and spot on share. It was a powerful reminder to have perspective and focus on my own lives experience, not in comparison to others. The gratitude that resonates from authentic feelings and experience is so much more powerful! Thank you 🙏

Great

This was a great start for this gratitude series! I appreciate the perspective shift and the reminder to go deeper into authentic experience.

Grrrrrrrrrrareful!

I loved this first talk in the series! Thank you. In some of the children’s books I write, the main character is truly grateful at the end. I agree, that, along with love, it’s the highest emotion.

I am grateful!

This message spoke volumes to me. I really enjoyed listening to it as well. I will not compare myself to others to feel grateful. I will practice gratitude around myself.

Love it

This is such a great perspective on gratitude. It’s also a really great reminder to focus on ourselves and our own betterment!

Grateful

It’s so true that gratitude needs to come from personal experience. My journey through cancer has taught me to appreciate life in a much deeper way. Now I am learning to choose joy, I am very grateful that I have realised it is a choice.

Gratitude from within

I learned that gratitude needs to come from within rather than from external comparisons.

Gratitude

I learned no it to compare. Being grateful for small things….so Important

New Perspective

I haven’t been consciously practicing gratitude for long but in the beginning I was comparing what I may have to others and didn’t find it as helpful, now I understand why. As I have furthered my practice I have been focusing most on what brings my heart joy, which is bringing about a better result. I appreciated the example of gratitude regarding the employment situation of the last couple years. I was and still am one of those people who is grateful to be in a thriving industry. But, at the same time I wasn’t able to get the rest a recharge I saw others get. I would truly be grateful for more of that time and I’m trying to find where I can incorporate bits and pieces into my busy life.

Different and sometimes glad

I often don’t feel the same way others are feeling. It’s usually because I’m thinking about things differently. It can be hard to express sometimes, either to articulate or admit. Sometimes I even know that it’s being assumed I’m thinking a certain way and I’m not. This is the worst when it involves guilt or shame or such feelings. So if I hear or read something that speaks to ‘the other box’, to the possibility of other thoughts or reactions, you have my attention because you are making space for me. Thank you for that in this meditation.

Grateful

I learned that I often tell my children to be grateful for what they have because other children may not have the same things. I see that I should just tell them that they should just be grateful because we’re fortunate enough to have what we have

Gratitude

Interesting new perspective and I like it. I’ve always thought I should be grateful look at what I have and some poor souls have nothing. That can sometimes (for me) lead to feeling of guilt and in the extreme self dislike because I feel selfish, which are not helpful. I’ll try to focus more on what’s in my world and what I am truly grateful for in my life without comparison. Thank you

Gratitude

I’ve practiced gratitude this way for decades and it’s been a game changer. Two days ago, I ended up with 21 stitches to my face/mouth. Having this gratitude practice has kept me from emotionally crashing (not saying I don’t have any negative emotions about it) It’s helped stay grounded in MY life and personal journey.

Gratitude

I have always focused on what I am grateful, thankful for. for what I have and never compared it what others don’t have. I’m grateful that I can wake up in the dark of morning and hear the birds waking up, I’m grateful for this app, I’m grateful for my morning coffee and dog cuddles. Little meaningful things.

I feel that I’m always either reflecting or planning I think that’s why I have the feeling that nothing is ever enough

I learned that comparing myself to others is an unhealthy way to practice gratitude and it’s nothing more than guiltitude.

Grateful

I learned that being grateful shouldn’t be based on comparing yourself to others

Gratitude

I learned that showing a little bit of gratitude for the things you have instead of solely focussing on what you don’t have makes you feel appreciative of life

Different perspective

I learned that it’s not beneficial to use gratitude to compare myself to others.

Gratitude

It’s really hard not to compare. But it feels good to pat my own self on my back for being grateful in the present. It made me happy.

Gratitude

I completely agree. When I began my recovery journey, I often felt guilty for having so many luxuries. However, once I realized that those luxuries aren’t the reason I’m grateful all the time; and that other people who do have less can be just as grateful for the “things” in their lives, I became grateful for a whole different reason.

Eye Opener

I always felt that comparing myself to others would fulfill my gratitude. Never really thought about just comparing myself to myself to find that gratitude . This lesson was really what I needed.

Gratitude vs. Guiltitude

There is a difference between being thankful for what you have and making yourselves be thankful because others don’t have it. Eye opener.

Gratitude within me

I will reflect on gratitude and how to achieve without feeling I have too be grateful because someone has it tougher or less grateful because I have less. Focusing on the true essence of gratefulness… worthy endeavor

Gratitude

I enjoyed your message and will use your suggestion to not compare myself to others but only to myself in the moment.

Gratitude

I learned that I can feel differently - I can feel gratitude each day, each moment This can nurture me. Help me with feelings of anxiety, depression and panic. None are overwhelming so I live with them but now I feel empowered to change the way I think and live with my feelings

Interesting

This is an interesting way to look at gratitude, I I have to say, it’s healthier than the way I’ve always thought of it. I think in comparison to others and I should only be thinking about how my life reflects what I value, what I love, not how I should be happy because others have x worse than me.

Gratitude

I learned the guiltitude early in life and now at 70 I am working on knowing that comparison is the thief of joy. Thank you for sharing. I really needed this reminder!

Gratitude vs. Guiltitude

Brilliant piece! I was raised with the notion to be grateful for what you have because there is always someone who has a far worse situation than yours. I almost felt guilty for thinking against this grain initially - lol. The more I listened though the more I loosened and focused on being grateful for what is in my life and my realm. Thank you Lou! I feel brighter right now!

Ah gratitude is a self focused practice

I might share my gratitude with others but it is my perception and my experience and my nourishment. I may remark that is a first world problem comparing it to others who have so called third world problems. This is said as though I know what a third world experience is. For that matter do I know what other well off people experience. Is it about stuff or access or wealth of being healthy. Taking for granted is different yet. Simple gratitude in the moment unconstrained. Delight and gratitude I think have some shared footing.

I am one for making my children think about others less fortunate. When I had a stint of depression my partner at the time did this to me. It was then that I noticed it made me feel even worse.

Comparing, even if we mean well, to have empathy, might not be the best thing to do.

Gratitute

Gratitute is not to be compared against others but real felt by my own heart.

Little details

I have recently discovered my essence and have been trying to take the right path in terms of my perspective but it is not easy keeping those less productive details in mind. You made a difference for the better in my day and I appreciate that

Gratitude vs Guiltatude

It felt important that I learned in feeling my own gratitude, I should only be using myself as the measuring stick and not others. As in, not thinking I’m grateful to have X because others do not (feeling I should be grateful as compared to others who have less), instead, being grateful simply because X makes me happy, feel comfortable, secure, whatever it is, that makes YOU truly grateful. I think most of my gratitude journey has been telling myself, you should be grateful for X because so many others would be, but I’m going to do a perspective shift and not guilt myself into being grateful, but instead learning what does bring me joy, happiness and a sense of being full, and then being grateful for that! And only comparing my sense of gratitude to my own needs and wants, not others.

Profound

I learned that the thoughts that fill up my spirit are the things I should focus on and be grateful for, and not on what I have that others do not. I’ve been going this wrong all along. This new practice feels so good! Thank you.

Gratitude isn’t comparison to others less fortunate

It’s looking at our own measures and what it’s means to us - otherwise we are just guilt tripping ourselves

Taknemlighed

Jeg lære at jeg skal være taknemlig for det jeg er taknemlig for i min verden. Altså ikke sammenligne med hvad andre har eller gør. Jeg er fx taknemmelig for min baghave og terrasse som er Så lukket og sydvendt og roen. Roen. Roen herude er jeg taknemmelig for. Jeg er taknemmelig for at have en så fredfyldt og samlende køkken. Jeg er taknemlig for at jeg kan opleve naturen lige udenfor mine vinduer. Jeg er taknemlig for at Rene er så dygtig og arbejdsom.

Gratitude

Practicing gratitude is an antidote for people like myself who have ANT (automatic negative thinking). I want to break out if it!! I WILL break out of it.

Thank you very much for your perspective on Gratitude.

I feel I have only ever noticed that people speak about being grateful as a comparison . That does make one feel someone down or as you pointed out guilty. I know I have. I want to feel happiness that I have something to be grateful for. Thank you for lighting the way. 💕 Debra

Thanks

Good reminder that our gratitude is personal a no d relative to others.

None

I learned that I don’t have to compare myself to others in ANY WAY!!! I have no idea what their lives are like. I just want to focus on my own and make it the best it can be

Unknowingly holding myself back.

Through this I realize that I have spent most of my life practicing “guilt-itude,” when I could have been practicing gratitude. I hope I can change this and better live and live in the moment.

Great full

You are right! I do need to be great full for what I have! I may be totally alone now in the world which I look at as a negative, but I do have a house-roof over my head, a wonderful dog, all of which I will start thanking God for everyday!!

Wonderful

I love this. I’m gonna start looking at it this way. Thank you.

So real

Thanks for this quick and enlightening message. It’s so true that comparing my situation to others with less NEVER makes me feel better or more grateful.

Gratitude

This was excellent. I have always struggled with gratitude relative to others. I like the word ‘guiltitude’. I experience that. And if you are thinking of others there is always someone else who has more - or a time when YOU had more. So gratitude relative to others seems ineffective to me. BUT gratitude in the ABSOLUTE sense makes perfect sense. At least to me! Thanks for this.

Gratitude

I enjoy popping a reason down with my gratitudes, it helps me be thoroughly grateful. I am grateful for eye drops when my eyes are stinging after being in the computer. I am grateful for carpet, soft and warm underfoot.

Gratitude by Comparison

I have always used gratitude by comparison to what others don’t have but this seems like a better way to me. I am going to try not comparing myself to others but rather to myself. I like the example he gave of being grateful for a good night’s rest because everyone can relate to that as we have all had a poor one or more.

Guititude and depression

My son was suffering from some depression regarding a breakup with a long term girlfriend and over work, and he said it drove him crazy when someone would ask about him and then follow with “well, you should just feel grateful of what you do have. Others have less.” He said, “Now feel more depressed…plus guilty for what I have!” He would have benefitted from your advice. Thank you for pointing out guiltitude as an unhelpful type of advice.

Excellent insight!

Absolutely agree the idea of comparing in general is just not helpful or healthy. It seems it could lead to not so great places in so many ways! And the process of assessing just ourself and how we are doing, how far we have come, can lead to where we can improve, have more graciousness, love, forgiveness etc… as it is within ourselves that we have the power to change our world. I love this introspection on how to practice gratitude!!! 🙏🏻

More compassion

So true and a new way to look at gratitude. I find it difficult to really feel gratitude sometimes, I know I should be able to but i just don’t. Then I feel so guilty. Looking at gratitude differently might help to feel it more and have more compassion for myself if I don’t. Thank you for this insight🌷

G r a t I t u d e

Is a slowing down to look at present moment Maybe even a slightly deeper breath. Maybe about it for something around me that isn’t mine or yours or about anything viral it necessary. Maybe it is noticing how two boys shared one bus seat nestled into each other and then suddenly off the bus this evening in their karate clothes and bags and their right at the stop their karate Dojo.

I like this perspective/reminder as I have noticed some people with less also have less stress.

I have learned that the more I have the more I tend to worry or stress - I need to clean it, I need to insure it, I need to store it, etc. . . so I am slowly letting go and starting to purge myself of the excess, and the things that no longer serve me.  I feel lighter and calmer so I will continue purging. ☺️

Gratitude

I am on an ongoing quest to stop the unhealthy tendency to compare myself and my situations to others as well as making assumptions about how they might feel based on what I can see of them from the outside. I really like the term “guiltitude”. I find it easy to feel grateful when I’m doing well but much harder to illuminate it when I’m feeling down.

Gratitude or guiltitude by comparison

Very eye opening, I’ve been raised in a culture that taught me to be happy, content and grateful for all that I have, and don’t question my happiness, because what I have and what I’ve been given is more than enough. Which is true, and I am truly grateful to be given this life. But having the awareness now that I’ve been practicing guiltitude, is very eye opening. I am looking forward to learning more about you on the topic of gratitude 🙏

Gratitude

I am depressed and did not realize that I was not mindful of my present state Thanks for your short talk I have to pay more attention to being grateful One’s well being has nothing to do with how much that person has

Gratitude

I learned that I wasn’t always making it personal. I am new to this so all examples are helpful.

Thank you😃

There’s a better way to gratitude and your explanation totally hit home to me. It is for the feelings we feel inside ourselves.

Practicing gratitude… for gratitude !

This is the best I have ever heard concerning gratitude: practice it out of abundance and joy, not out of guilt for not being “thankful enough”. I am thankful for who I am, what I have and how I feel regardless of others. That will make me love the world more.

Guiltitude

I always thought this was a thing and now someone has spoken to it

Day 1-Gratitude

I learnt that gratitude isn’t about feeling grateful because others don’t have it. It’s about how I feel in comparison to myself.

Guiltitide

This never worked for me when I was young and my parents would tell me to appreciate the food I didn’t like because of the starving children in Africa. I won’t use it on my kids. Gratitude can’t be forced. Thank you for putting a name to this. 💕

Gratitude

I learned that growing means that I need to be grateful for what I have, and comparing to others leads to envy and not necessarily positive envy. This is great advice and approach to reach a better level of mindfulness. It’s ok to be grateful for what we have individually. Self care and love stems from self gratitude. Thank you.

First Meditation

Gratitude is not grounded in comparison. Just be grateful. Comparing to others is more guiltatude. A rather interesting perspective that I must contemplate.

Gratitude

I have only recently discovered and am practicing gratitude. I was so caught up in “it” that I was numb to the miracle others, the kindness in them. What was I missing? I am a good person with a kind heart but living and operating in the grinding competitive environment of North America was getting the best of me and I had lost my focus on what’s important. Thank you for this.

😊Guiltitude😎

Good one, Lou- Esp  I did learn about hating your job, but saying you’re grateful for it….. Been There. While I’ve never thought about being grateful in comparison, I think sometimes I say my gratitude‘s by rote; and would like more of your thoughts and insights into FEELING grateful in my core. Thank you and have a wonderful day.

Mostly true

But i do find that volunteering in nursing homes and homeless shelters gives perspective. It’s not about complaining but a reminder that it could be worse and your problems can often be solved, but having no arms and legs- well that’s a challenge that cannot be easily solved.

Gratitude

is me not comparing to others but me to where I was. Dude if your going to make me write a book I am canceling

Day 1 gratitude

I learnt that gratitude isn't all about a list it's something you have to feel. also realised that I'm grateful for my chronic pain due to it teacing me that how I treat others matter which I found hard to learn due to autism.

The heart of Gratitude

Thank you for reminding me what Gratitude is to be at its core; in reflection for my daily journey, as I pour out my thoughts and words onto myself and thinking of others. This statement has lovely meaning to apply within and not selfish at all to think of applying gratitude to me.

Guilted into gratefulness

I loved this! It's not genuine to claim gratefulness if it's run off of guilt. It felt good hearing "permission" to not feel grateful just because others may have it worse.

I spent had dinner with my girls and my mood lidted

I was pretty fed up but it lifted after shopping and dinner with the kids

Something New

I learned something new which made me feel great. It made me realize how much my gratitude is towards comparison instead of what I have. I feel better about gratitude as a focus just towards myself and what I have.

You are lucky

I was recently told by someone that I was lucky that we had the opportunity to place my mother in such a nice facility as many other people have to care for there loved ones at home. I felt guilty because I do not feel lucky that my mothers dementia is progressing. I have many things to be grateful for but my mothers debilitating condition is not one of them. I totally get your point.

You are right.

I was practicing guilitude not gratitude. I will start more self gratitude.

A Different Way to Practice Gratitude

What a wonderful way to practice gratitude! As I listened to Lou’s calm and caring voice and took in what he said, I felt a wave of peace fill my body and a “Yes!” fill my awareness. A little nugget of enlightenment! Thank you Lou!! Namaste!

Thank you

You’ve opened my eyes a bit with your insight into gratitude! What I am glad for, not what I have that others don’t, though in some instances I feel like gratitude with maybe some sympathy might be useful. I have a suffering relationship with my sister in law, she is a true narcissist but she only compares, often, very often, what she has as to what others do not. I know that I love her down deep but she can be toxic to me. I feel like I’m glad I do not have the inner struggle that she must constantly have. Therefore my gratitude has some sympathy for her. Thank you!

Gratitude

I feel what the instructor said is true you cannot measure your happiness against another persons gratitude. You can be grateful for your job however another person might not like their job and quit because they are happier without that job. -MW

What I Have Felt

This is exactly how I have reacted. Thank you for verifying my ferlings.

Gratitude

I learned that just bc you have something that maybe somebody else doesn't have, it doesn't measure happiness. Happiness can be found within and can not be compared to someone else

Gratitude

I learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others. Focus on you and what you are thankful for.

Letting go

I am grateful for what I have, for what I enjoy, for the good things that surround me and make up my life. I empathize with others and feel compassion for those who suffer. But in the end, my gratitude is about my life, without reference to the suffering or pleasure of others. Jealousy or envy and feeling superior or inferior can have no place in gratitude. In the end, the only person whose attitudes, behaviors and wisdom I can be responsible for is me.

Gratitude

12 years of Catholic school I naturally go to the guiltitude! I’m trying to stop myself when I find myself comparing with others. My therapist brought this up as well! This is a great reminder.

I liked this short message as it is very powerful. I'd always felt gratitude needs comparison, or almost always, except if it's a thanks or something similar. I look forward to more on the topic.

Well, i wrote everything above. But I learned that gratitude doesn't require comparison.

Gratitude

I learned that I should not compare myself to the situation of others to be grateful. But to be thankful for what I have by reflecting on myself and past experiences. There have been many times where I haven't had the luxury of certain items and freedom. I need to feel that no matter the condition or quality of an item or experience, it should be appreciated.

Intentional

I’m learning that gratitude is an intentional choice. It also means that I have to take time to be grateful and thankful.

Gratitude is my attitude

Don’t compare yourself to others or measure your gratitude for what YOU perceive their suffering to be.

Open mind

Thank you for this wisdom, this gave me a different perspective on gratitude 🤍

Day 1 / Lesson 1 on gratitude

I like that it shouldn’t be a comparison to others “even if they have less” because pain is subjective and I agree that making myself feel a bit guilty doesn’t make me feel better. If anything I feel worse about myself because it makes me feel like “I should be happier”. But it’s true that even with my privilege I feel shitty a lot of the time. I noticed that I felt myself “cringe” when the talked about the beauty in living and experiencing life which is why gratitude is important for recognizing that feeling — but I don’t feel that way. I genuinely have felt so unhappy for so long that even listening to someone say those words makes me want to throw up. Because my brain doesn’t believe that.

Gratitude day1

I have been comparing myself for too long My worth is based on what others are or think of me I have lost access to gratitude but want to feel it again Gratitude is an attitude

I think gratitude is

I think gratitude is also a sense a feeling of wholeness. It makes you feel also at peace and have a sense of being exactly where you should

Approaching Gratitude Differently

I really liked this take on gratitude. I related heavily with feeling like I “have to” be grateful for things comparatively. This turns that premise on its head a bit and makes the conscious effort to focus on gratitude as a singular concept. This really allows you to dive deep into what gratitude looks like in your life. I think gratitude is going to be the theme that I come back to as I “remember” to drop in to the present and be here now. What a wonderful place to go to and bounce back out into the world from.

I learned that comparing ourselves to others practicing guiltitude! Never heard of that!!

Instead we should be thankful for what we have and look inside ourselves to bring us joy and contentment. Things won’t do that…. But an inner sense of peace will!! Thank you!

Gratitude

This was such a refreshing take. I've never been one to compare myself to others and this is the first tim I've been told that is a good thing. My son and I started a gratitude journey last night so this was also perfect timing. Thank you.

I realised

That i don’t need to compare myself to others to measure my happiness

Gratitude

I like the idea of being more intentional about not comparing myself to others. ☺️

Gratitude

Learned to see from a different perspective. Never thought of it the way it was explained before

Gratitude

I learned that I have to be grateful for everything that I’ve accomplished and have

I felt relaxed

I learned to look inward at my own gratitude . I’m thankful for my family and even tho I’m in the middle of a major life event I know I’ll get through it.

Gratitude

I learned that by focusing ourselves while practicing gratitude instead of comparing others has given me the opportunity to practice self-love and become more grounded as well. Thank you!

Gratitude

A new take on comparing myself to others. That’s been affecting me a lot lately so I’m happy to have heard this.

Being Grateful

Gratitude is a practice that I utilize every day. It allows me to always remind myself how blessed I am for all that I have. When I do that it sets the tone for my day and I can tackle my day with more awareness and appreciation. Namaste! Natacha

Gratitude day 1

I felt relieved after hearing that comparing our blessings to someone else struggles to feel gratitude isn’t healthy. That sometimes the best way to feel gratitude is to focus on the amazing things we have that maybe we didn’t have in the past. I love that so much and it inspires feelings of empowerment

I learned that I’ve spent a lot of time comparing

I should be grateful because “——-“ has this or doesn’t have this. I never realized how much gratitude I’m practicing is out of comparison, and I’m going to try this approach

Perspective

I found the guiltitude perspective interesting in that I don't remember looking or feeling gratitude quite that way. I've witnessed what appeared to be happiness and contentment in people with much less material stuff than me. I want to be grateful for and content with what I have. Even the challenges that cause discomfort, and hopefully, growth. Thank you for sharing!

Agree

I grew up with guiltitude. My mom would always say “don’t complain people have less, of be grateful because so and so is doing worse, etc” so filling my heart with gratitude can bring up mixed feelings at times. I was grateful but always comparing. In the last couple of years I began to do a lot of healing and work on my self. Only recently have I been able to slowly be grateful just for what surrounds me and not to compare. I can feel it fill my heart with so much joy. Before it was almost like saying it to say it but maybe not really feeling it. I enjoyed this session so much as releasing giltitude has allowed me to start working on spreading that feeling I get when I am truly expressing gratitude and spreading it thru my entire body and out to the world.

Gratitude

I found out not to be grateful by comparing my life with others lives

Absolutely wonderful perspective

This really is the only way for me to feel and express gratitude. Guilt should never be any part of these kinds of feelings. Thanks for sharing.

Change in gratitude

I use to guilt myself for not being more grateful. When I was feeling down I would tell myself I was being selfish because other people out there had bigger problems. And that I shouldn’t feel this way. I actually end up changing that behavior because I could see it was harmful. I just started to slow down and be Thankful for simple things the sky, the trees and the beauty I could see in Mother Nature all around me.

Guiltitude

I will be very mindful not to compare blessings I have with those that dont