I’m struggling. My mom does not love me unconditionally and that is painful. My mom manipulates me, tried to control me, she hangs up on me and gives me silent treatment to get her way.
I try setting boundaries. I try telling her that she’s hurting me. I ask her to try therapy with me. She refuses to apologize, to acknowledge how she’s caused me pain. So she ignores me. She blames me. She tells me everything I’m doing wrong. She tells me how I am failing. She tells me to fix it. She tells me I am the problem.
I feel crazy. I feel betrayed. I feel unheard and unseen. I feel sad and I feel out of patience.
Yesterday, I finally sent my mom a closure text. I told her I have learned that I am a failure and disappointment to her. That I understand I am not what she dreamt her daughter to be. I told her I’ve learned that she does not respect me or love me without conditions. Yesterday, I told my mom that my mental health is not okay. I told her that I need to take care of myself and that she is the root of my pain.
Yesterday, I told my mom that I do not want to have a conversation with her anymore because I know it will do nothing. I know that if we worked things out today, that somehow I would disappoint or upset her again in the future. That she would continue to not respect my choices and lifestyle. That once I make her unhappy again, she will purposely hurt me and ignore me and manipulate me again and again.
I told her that I need a break and I need to work on myself. That I am done trying and reaching out. That I am done trying to force her to love me the way I need love.
Why is it that my mom didn’t care about me or try to fix things until she knew I was breaking!? Now I am broken and she calls me over and over. I do not answer the phone. She texts me once, to tell me I’m wrong. Then again to tell me everyone has been trying to fix this except for me. I continue to feel manipulated even as she tries to work things out.
I don’t respond. I go to sleep.