I don’t think I’m able to meditate
I learned that again I cannot meditate. I try so hard to follow and my mind still continues to race that I can’t keep focused on that present feeling or didn’t know really how I was feeling. Kind of blah and depressed from being trapped in a house 24/7 and no social life because I’m married and my spouse is constantly working the whole day from morning to night 12 hrs. Im glad but I really never ever see him hardly anymore and it feels we grow apart everyday. I am in school to solve this myself. I love but I can’t wait on someone to respect me and spend time with me. Like now he is home but where is he? Down at that Tiny house watching boring energy stealing television and we used to do projects etc together. Now 10 years married it’s nothing. We argue or like each other. One or the other or in between even. That’s all I can think of. I love my spouse and would do anything as I have but he doesn’t think deeply like me and relies on peoples words to tell him what to do and believe. He’s just logical and 15 years older than me. Not that age is an issue but it’s starting to be. I want to enjoy some of my life before I’m a senior as he enjoyed his but now he doesn’t want to move off the couch and I just feel like I’m missing my life and at the same time I’m trapped. I can’t up and leave. I moved a decade ago to another state with him and the only friends I had at one time were his family that ended up just everyday parents obsessed with mundane things like everyone else. So they think I’m too different because I don’t like to watch football constantly and drink. So I have zero friends. He works i school so I can’t do anything until I graduate. I’m just trying to figure out how I can solve this and taking does no good I’ve done it until I’m blue. He won’t be an adult and allow us to move into our own home and sold our house we did own together and moved us into his 72 year old griping bitter man who is doom and gloom constantly negative and talks about death because he had been the coroner for over 30 plus years. I am left to take care of everything myself, including the man who I’ve already help recover from a massive stroke 5 years ago. He loved my spouse and was jealous of me and hated me and still does I’m not stupid but acts ok just so I’ll stay and tend to every need plus animals. Cleaning, cooking, kids, doing 2 grown adult men’s laundry, and they just sling their dirty dishes inthe sink and leave them without soaking or anything and wait on me to wash and will say something if I don’t. It’s been awful. It was good until we moved here and now he wants to wait on his friend to pass because he is the one getting the house but this man lies and is probably feeding him be like he did my spouses daughter as he told her he had all of her college tuition saved up and then when it came college time, no money. She no longer will have anything to do with him for lying to her for years all through her growing life as a matter of fact.He feeds hope to trap