I continue to be baffled by the relationship many people have to "foreplay." I put the word in quotation marks whenever I use it, because it describes a state of mind that creates problems. First, it supposes that intercourse is "real sex," and everything else isn't—that other activities are just second-rate sex. The word also suggests that "foreplay" is preparation for something else—that these activities don't have a satisfaction or integrity of their own. And third...

The concept of 'foreplay' perpetuates harmful ideas that intercourse is the only 'real sex' and other activities lack satisfaction and integrity.

The Problem With Foreplay

Most people want sex to have meaning. It doesn't. We GIVE sex meaning, using all kinds of ideas—intimacy, manliness, spirituality, marital duty, "sexiness," and so on. That could be OK, but we then pretend that the meaning we care about is inherent in the sex—and argue with anyone who has a different idea of what makes sex meaningful. Accepting that sex is meaningless can make it much easier to enjoy, and create intimacy (if that's what you want). Say your body doesn't do what you want it to--she doesn't climax, or he loses his erection--it doesn't mean anything. It's just disappointing, there's nothing to quarrel about, and a couple can continue to have sex, or decide to stop--and still be friendly.

Sex doesn't have inherent meaning, we give it meaning and arguing over its meaning can be avoided by accepting its meaninglessness.

Actually, Sex Is Meaningless

Almost everyone wants to know what sex is like for other people. Or to put it another way, what is sexually "normal?" How often, how many minutes, how many orgasms, how many inches, how many partners, where, when, how? I’ve spent decades NOT answering the “normal” question—when asked by patients, the media, my readers, listeners, and audiences. Why? Because people use the information to undermine themselves: “I’m not OK,” "You're not OK," or “We’re not OK.” But I know you want it, so here are 3 facts about "normal sex" that will surprise you--or make you laugh.

Author reveals surprising facts about "normal sex" that people have been curious about for years, but avoided answering due to its negative implications.

What Is Normal Sex? Why I Won't Say

People say they want sex to be “natural and spontaneous,” a source of pleasure, comfort, and connection. But they then construct sex that’s complicated, frustrating, and anxiety-provoking. They’re afraid of failing because they’ve made sex about success. And they fear they might have or develop a “dysfunction,” because they don't understand how emotions shape sexual function. There is another way to have sex--a way that focuses on relaxation, playfulness, self-acceptance, and communication. I call this approach Sexual Intelligence--and anyone can learn it, use it, and enjoy it.

Sex should be natural & enjoyable, but society makes it complicated & anxiety-provoking. Sexual Intelligence offers relaxation, playfulness & communication.

Popular Ideas That Make Sex A Hassle

Louis and Maria, a new couple in their 60s, have great sex together. But she's upset: he doesn't climax every time they make love, and she's afraid he isn't satisfied. He insists he's satisfied, but now he's upset that he's "disappointing" her. What should they do? Is this something that needs fixing? If so, what is it?

New couple in their 60s has great sex, but Maria is upset because Louis doesn't climax every time, causing him to feel like he's "disappointing" her.

Help! Sometimes He Doesn't Climax

The issue of consent and the term "consent culture" has become far too influential in sex education, sex therapy, and psychotherapy. Sexually, of course, people should always feel they can say yes to what they want and no to what they don't want, without pressure or fear of reprisal. But women do not need to be protected from male sexuality. And trying to remove all ambiguity, ambivalence, regret, and multiple agendas from dating is both unrealistic and unwise.

The concept of "consent culture" in sex education is too influential and trying to remove all ambiguity from dating is unrealistic and unwise.

Why Consent Is Not Enough

When people come to me wanting to change their sex life, I start with some straightforward questions (their age, kids, job, etc.). Then we talk a bit about their sexual situation ("Is it also like that when you masturbate?", "How long have you been upset about this?", etc.). I then want to talk about things such as guilt, anger, body image, and anxiety, to name a few. That's because, for most people, sex is about more than sex. The range of what people want from sex is almost endless. Here are a few notes about patients who wanted to talk about sex—and who was impatient when I wanted to talk about...

A sex therapist asks straightforward questions about a patient's life and sexual situation before discussing issues like guilt, anger, body image, and anxiety.

When Sex Is NOT About Sex

There's nothing wrong with choosing to be a virgin until you get married. But what if you want to marry someone who didn't make the same decision before you met? And what if a person later regrets their decision to be a virgin at marriage — how do they deal with the feeling of missed opportunity? In this track, I talk about a patient who knew his wife wasn't a virgin when he married her—and a few years later resented her past experience, while struggling to fix the "imbalance" that he couldn't stop thinking about.

Choosing to be a virgin until marriage is okay, but it can lead to issues later on, as shown in a patient's resentment towards his wife's past experiences.

Former Virgin, Now Angry

I understand the hurt and frustration some women feel, but this is the wrong question. Every week, I hear distressed women say “He masturbates to porn instead of having sex with ME. That makes it infidelity.” But it’s incorrect to assume a cause-and-effect: that he doesn’t have sex with his girlfriend BECAUSE he masturbates to porn. Many women feel they’re in competition with porn for their mate’s attention. But masturbation with porn is NO COMPETITION to uncomplicated partner sex that a person can enjoy. Now when a guy assumes that partner sex will involve conflict—or he lacks the emotional skills to enjoy partner sex--porn looks like an attractive option. "What are we going to do about our sex life?" Now THAT'S a powerful question.

Masturbating to porn isn't infidelity as it doesn't necessarily mean a person won't have sex; asking "what are we going to do about our sex life?" is better.

Is Watching Porn A Form Of Infidelity?

I hate that your kids are getting their sex education from porn. Most parents hate that, and I'm sure you hate it, too. And I wish you would do something about it. I don't mean that we should get rid of porn. I mean, let's give kids the sex education they need and deserve. Then they won't turn to porn for information about sex. And when they do look at porn, it won't be their only source of sexual information, values, and ideas. There are plenty of things you can do if you don't want porn to be your kids' primary sex education.

Kids should not get their sex education from porn, parents should take responsibility and provide them with the education they need to prevent this.

Don't Blame Porn If It's Kids' Sex Ed

I'm always working with couples in conflict about each other's sexual desires. But thinking that people are "high desire" and "low desire" is way too simplistic, and it can prevent resolution. Frequently, the lower desire partner IS interested in sex—under the right circumstances, which the higher desire partner may not take seriously enough. The low desire for sex that is boring, uncomfortable, frustrating, or too rough isn't a pathology that needs to be fixed--it makes perfect sense. And if someone feels disrespected, ignored, or unappreciated outside of the bedroom, is it reasonable to expect that they'll jump into sex enthusiastically? That's why when couples want to talk about desire conflicts, I want to discuss the relationship.

Couples' sexual conflicts cannot be simplified by high and low desire labels, and often stem from relationship issues. The lower desire partner may be interested under specific circumstances, and negative sexual experiences are not a pathology in need of fixing.

Desire? For What?

As a porn expert, I hear from women every week who are eager to tell me three things: first, how porn has made their lives miserable; second, how clueless I am about how betrayed and undesired they feel; and third, how almost all women feel this way. Of course, their suffering is real. Their assumptions about porn, women, and men, however, are another story.

Women often blame porn for their misery and feel undesired, but their assumptions about porn, women, and men are flawed, says a porn expert.

Porn: What Women Say They Hate About It

Polyamory is on many people's minds these days. While "poly" originally had a specific meaning, many people now use it to simply mean any variety of consensual non-monogamy. Poly is definitely a viable option. But is it for everyone? No. An increasing number of my patients turn to non-monogamy as a way of fixing broken relationships. This is a strategy that almost never succeeds: "Our relationship doesn't work? Let's add more people!" Some folks are now claiming that poly is their orientation—as if this is supposed to settle all questions about their motives, responsibility, or decision-making.

Polyamory is becoming more popular, but adding more people to a broken relationship is not a viable solution, and claiming it as an orientation doesn't answer all questions.