The family lie
I realized while listening to this that a lot of my pain comes from believing that I was not worthy. When we are young we see on tv, and perhaps in our life families that function well together. We are taught to believe this is how families are supposed to be. My father wasn’t capable of realizing how fucked up he was. His anger became our collective fault. It wasn’t my fault. It was his. He didn’t have the awareness to realize that his problems became ours. His anger and frustration at life became our fault. It wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t the cause. My determination to not be like him is based in his lack of ability to love and parent. I was never gonna be like him. I’m still upset though. I realized yesterday how very angry I still am at my father. He’s been dead 15 years but I’m still angry at him. For how he treated me. How he belittled me over what I could not control or even name (the Tourette syndrome diagnosis came years later) he made me feel disliked, unloved and unwanted. And weird. Children shouldn’t feel those things not from their parents. I’m still very angry at him. About him. I thought I was past that. I can’t decide if I’m disappointed that I’m still angry. I hope to find an answer to that. And to let go of the anger some more. I thought I was done. I was wrong.