About to blow…
There is so much going on right now. I’m losing my familiar, best friend, companion and my Furbaby. Cancer has spread and I really don’t know how long we have left together with her and with my mother. As my parents arrived for a visit a bomb was dropped… My Mom needs a liver transplant and I know that probably almost impossible due to her already compromised health. I am still grieving the loss of my Gran but still in disbelief of that. I can’t imagine losing my Mom. I have daily thoughts that I would be okay if I didn’t wake up or got covid and left this world that has turned horrible from greed and hatred. My love is just that but conditionally. She only loves me emotionally but won’t or doesn’t want to have the physical connection of love. I feel like it’s me and It no matter what I say or do I don’t think it will change. I feel so alone in this life and it about to get even more lonely. I want to be with my Gran. I survived all of these terrible things with nothing to show for it. It was all for what? I will die still pondering this question. I wish I wasn’t a fucking coward so I could end all of it but it’s more then that…. I love so deeply and don’t want to hurt those by leaving. I just have to watch them go and forever feel the break away of my heart and I will crumble inside leave just a shell of me. I’m just going to try and get through today without completing losing my shit.