Fear holds me back
I noticed that when I am in the brink of momentous life changes - divorce, moving, new job in a new city - the fear that I have been wrestling with bubbles to the surface. I feel almost paralyzed by it. Listening to this session, I was able to remind myself that fear is driving those feelings of unsureness, anxiety, ‘what the hell am I doing to my life’, and makes me question all the healthy decisions and choices and actions that I have taken. Last night I cried myself to sleep. By this morning, I’m dressed and showered and drinking coffee on the porch in the sun. I can do this. I can do hard things. I also need to remember to give myself the grace and patience and understanding that I have for so long given to everyone else. When I don’t do that, I end up paralyzed by fear. The fear that I am not able, that I’ll fail, and that I will have destroyed lives along the way. Even when I can point to evidence on the contrary.
Learning how to not by in a cycle of co-dependence, emotional neglect and abuse, and a lifetime of never putting myself first is hard. This is so hard.